Quiet Desperation
by NicelyDoneOver
Summary: Every one knows that Sheldon Cooper suffers from OCD but does anyone really know what that means? This fic looks at Sheldon's near-crippling condition and his struggles to live a 'normal' life. Not intended for the fluff-loving crowd or shallow relationship lovers. If you think you know Sheldon Cooper, think again.
1. The Final Straw

_He lived a life of quiet desperation._

Chapter One

Just as he always did, Sheldon counted the number of risers between each landing and did a quick shuffle of his feet so that his left foot touched the first riser of each of the stairs. It was important to always step first using the left foot otherwise he'd have to walk down to the landing and begin again, using the left foot.

"Sheldon, what are you doing? Are you upset about something, sweetie?"

"I'm not upset. I simply began this final series of stairs using my right foot. I have to begin with my left." He was upset. So upset that he abandoned his ingrained habit of stepping on the first tread using his left foot. When he reached the top he froze when his left foot, not his right, stepped into the corridor between their apartments on the 4th floor.

Penny rolled her eyes but waited patiently at the top of the staircase for Sheldon to finally complete his ascendance ending with the correct foot. She knew he was upset. His OCD was in full bloom – and seemed to be getting worse. She felt guilty since he'd begged her not to move, offering up many inducements for her to stay, all of which she'd turned down.

It wasn't like she was leaving the state. No, she was simply moving to Santa Monica for work reasons. She had to be on the set at 6am to get her makeup done. Then there was the walk-through before taping whatever sketches the writers had dreamed up for _Blondie. _

She had finally got her big break. She was co-starring in a weekly comedy-drama series about a blonde waitress in Hollywood trying to get her big break. A writer had been a customer at the Cheesecake Factory and had taken a cell phone picture of her and soon her agent was calling about an audition.

The long hours and the drive through traffic were taking a toll on her car and her sleep. She finally decided to move closer to the studio where she worked. She was going to share an apartment with a girl from the studio's publicity department so she'd also save a lot on rent and gas.

"Sheldon," she said, softly, gently, like she would to a skittish colt back in Nebraska, "I'm moving. It's the right thing for me to do." Seeing that he was about to launch into another lecture about how she shouldn't move, she brought out the big gun.

"Sheldon, look at me." She cupped his cheeks in her palms and forced him to make eye contact. "It's the _logical_ thing for me to do but unlike James T. Kirk and the _Kabayashi Maru_, you cannot change the outcome."

He stiffened and stepped back from her, reaching into his messenger bag and pulling out an antiseptic wipe. He scrubbed his cheeks vigorously.

"Penny, after all these years, surely even you can remember how little I like being touched. In the few days remaining of your occupancy of our building, please refrain from touching me. In fact, please refrain from any social intercourse whatsoever!" He threw the wipe at her and stormed into his apartment, slamming and locking the door.

"Oh, Moonpie…" He hadn't yelled or screamed. No. Those behaviors she could have easily handled. No. He nearly whispered, as if in pain and unable to catch a breath. The realization that she was going to move and that there was nothing he could do about it had finally struck home.

She unlocked her apartment door, threw her keys on the coffee table and poured herself a glass of white wine and called her friend, Bernadette, but got voicemail.

"Bernie…I think I broke Sheldon…" The sob that escaped her throat presaged a torrent of sobs. Unable to speak coherently and unable to leave a message, she disconnected the call. Wine forgotten, she stripped and made it to her bed and cried herself to sleep. She had hurt her best friend terribly but she had a life to live. So why was she crying?

He avoided her completely, going to work early, working late, finding excuses not to be in Apartment 4A when she might be home, or worse, over for dinner with the group. He blew off her going-away party, refusing to even contribute to her going-away gift (_Why should we reward her with a gift when she's ruined our homeostasis_). He was deep in the Egyptian river known colloquially as De Nial.

* * *

Three weeks later

Sheldon tossed his keys in the bowl on the table beside the door. He walked along a specific path to his computer desk and hung his messenger bag over the back of the swivel chair making certain the strap bisected the back of the chair. He straightened up a small stack of paper on the edge of his desk, placing them precisely in the front left hand corner, using a ruler to square the stack.

He placed his cell phone on its charger, verified it was charging, then walked to the refrigerator and removed a bottle of water and untwisted the cap and drained it in one long series of swallows. He tossed it into the plastics recycling bin under the sink and thought about dinner.

Leonard was working late so he consulted his list of approved take-out restaurants and called and ordered a pizza, specifying the toppings, and adding extra cheese since he didn't have to worry about Leonard's lactose intolerance.

He looked at his watch and noted the time for delivery. With Leonard working late again, he'd had to take the bus and he stripped off his bus pants and hung them on a hanger in his closet. He quickly changed into his usual lounging wear. He smoothed out the comforter where he'd sat to untie and remove his shoes and then carefully retie them and place them in the bottom of his closet.

Leaving his room as pristine as when he'd entered, he turned on the TV set and sat in his spot to await the beginning of the evening news.

He heard loud music and laughter from across the hall and grimaced. An English Literature instructor from CalTech had moved in after Penny left and she was inconsiderate, loud, obnoxious and not Penny.

The more he thought about the situation with Penny, her using his own devotion to logic to point out the necessity of her moving and the final blow of invoking the _Kobayashi Maru_ scenario, the more agitated he became.

He began rationalizing. She brought chaos into his world. Adjustment to chaos was a constant in his life. Adjustment to _her_ was a constant in his life and, _ergo sum,_ her disappearance from his life should have resolved the situation in his favor.

But she had challenged him, one last time, using his beloved Star Trek icon, James T. Kirk, as a gauntlet of sorts. _'…Unlike James T. Kirk and the Kabayashi Maru, you cannot change the outcome'._

He glanced at the time and cursed the pizza delivery man with amazing creativity. He was late. His pizza would be cold and he loathed paying for something that wasn't up to his expectations. He began bouncing his leg nervously but stopped when he heard a knock at the door.

He opened the door and handed the deliveryman a $20 and opened the lid and closed it and snatched back his $20.

"That congealed mass of crap is hardly edible plus most of the toppings are 'bottoms' on the box lid. Take this back and bring me what I ordered!"

Sheldon shoved the pizza box into the man's stomach. He grew angry and shoved the box back at Sheldon. He shouted, "You ordered a pizza, I delivered a pizza, you need to pay for the pizza!" Sheldon's eyes narrowed and in a flash he was back on the playground, surrounded by the usual bullies.

But not this time. Sheldon had had enough.

"Fine!" He handed the driver $20 and opened the pizza box, "and here's a generous tip!" and threw it in the man's face. He glared at the man in a murderous rage, his fists were clenched and he was ready for battle.

"You're fucking nuts!" The man threw the box down, pulled a couple of slices free where they'd adhered to his clothing, and stormed down the steps, almost knocking Leonard down in his haste to escape the mad man.

"Sheldon, what the hell's going on here?"

"Nothing is 'going on here'. I simply will no longer roll over and play dead for those who refuse to accommodate my reasonable expectations in life and in commerce."

"W-what about this mess?" he asked, when Sheldon turned and walked into their apartment.

"It's in the corridor, not our apartment. The driver made the mess. If it offends you so much, call the pizza shop and have them send someone over to attend to it or do it yourself."

Sheldon walked into his apartment and began to shake as if in the grip of some religious experience. His eyes were glazed and unfocused and his face was a mass of twitches and tics.

_I need to clean up that mess instantly. Germs, insects, rats…oh my God, roaches infesting everything! Rats eating through my cereal boxes, competing with the roaches for a share of my breakfast! They'll be all over me when I sleep, leaving their horrid dropping all over everything…No! I have to stand up like a man just like my Daddy said. Can't let them beat me down like that! Oh, my God…I can hear their scurrying around just outside the door! Dear God, Leonard, close the door!_

He couldn't breathe. He was certain he was having a heart attack. His heart was pounding and he felt like he was being torn in two.

When he made a strangled sound that sounded like 'Leonard', Sheldon folded in on himself and collapsed, unconscious.

"Sheldon? Oh, my God…he's having a heart attack!"

* * *

Leonard had followed the ambulance to the hospital and now sat alone in the waiting area of the Emergency Room. It had been more than an hour since they'd arrived and Sheldon had been whisked away after being transferred from the ambulance gurney to a hospital one and Leonard was really scared for his friend.

He'd called Howard and Rajesh and had debated about calling Penny but settled for his two friends to keep him company. It wasn't as if Penny cared all that much about any of them. Or what happened to Sheldon. She had a new life, a fresh start, even if it was just 20 miles away. She had effectively cut them all out of her life and that hurt. No texts or phone calls returned. His attention was diverted when a woman's voiced inquired, "Cooper Family?"

Leonard was on his feet and standing beside the doctor before he'd realized he'd even moved. The woman was shorter than he was, a bit heavier but had a pleasant and appealing face and nature.

"How is he? Was it his heart?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"Are you his domestic partner?" the doctor inquired.

"No! No, I'm his roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. We're both researchers at CalTech although Sheldon is in Theoretical Phys – "

"Were you there when the attack occurred?" again with the relentless questioning.

"Yes, he'd had a confrontation with the pizza delivery guy and it got physical and Sheldon had thrown the pizza at the guy because – "

"The attack occurred right then and there, at the site of the confrontation?" she asked, looking at him expectantly.

"Um, no. He'd turned and walked into our apartment and I asked about the mess on the floor and he – "

"Your friend has OCD. Did you know that?" Her tone of voice was almost an accusation.

"Of course I know he's OCD. I live with his schedules, foibles, quirks and idiosyncrasies 24/7. What's all this have to do with his heart?"

"With his heart? Nothing. It's all in his mind. He's in OCD crisis now. I assume his reaction to the 'pizza guy' was a break from his normal behavior?"

"In all the years I've known him, Sheldon has never resorted to physical violence. His behavior of late has been – "

"Has something happened in his life that has forced him to confront major changes in his life? A new job? Perhaps job pressures? A death in the family?"

"No, nothing like that. The only change has been – our neighbor, Sheldon's best friend. She moved out of the city a few weeks ago to be closer to her work. She's an actress in a new comedy series – "

"Were he and this 'Penny' romantically involved?"

"Sheldon and a woman in a relationship? He's dedicated his entire life to Science – "

"You can see your friend tomorrow afternoon. Don't expect much in the way of conversation. He's in what might best be described as a state of constant anxiety and near-panic and I've ordered a psychiatric consult."

Leonard was confused. "He didn't have a heart attack? He had all the symptoms. Gasping for breath, sweating, shaking and moaning – "

"It was a severe and crippling panic attack brought on by a classic approach-avoidance response to the pizza confrontation and aftermath. He lives in a constant state of anxiety and I suspect this isn't the first time it's occurred, simply the first time you or anyone else was present."

Next: Not-so-quiet Desperation


	2. The Initial Confrontaion

_He built a fortress of structured existence in which to dwell. Sometimes, he'd sally forth into the wastelands that surrounded his fortress only to retreat in pain when confronted by the chaos others lived in. 'How can they abide living in whimsy? No wonder they live such shallow and unremarkable lives.'_

Chapter Two

Sheldon lay perfectly still. His eyes were open and if one had the opportunity to observe them, they would note that he blinked with astonishing regularity – exactly once ever three seconds – unless something errant caused an involuntary blink. He had counted the ceiling tiles above him. There were exactly 86 whole tiles and 172 partial tiles that combined to form the ceiling of his hospital room. They were not square but rather rectangular and while this appealed to his sense of proportion it offended him greatly as the partial tiles appeared to be mere afterthoughts shoved into the mix to simply allow coverage of electrical cabling and ductwork.

His bladder was nearly bursting but the thought of placing a bare foot on the floor of this germ factory had him in near panic. Wetting the bed at his age was unthinkable. Placing a foot down on the floor – totally unacceptable.

He rang for the nurse and explained his predicament and instead of being met with derision and eye-rolling and disgusting patronization, he was met with understanding.

"Dr. Cooper, I'm Eileen and I'll be your day shift nurse. If you'll swing your legs out and sit up you'll note that you're wearing surgical booties that are sterile and will allow you to cross the floor to the lavatory in safety. There is a dispenser for clean booties when you return and a HazMat receptacle for the soiled ones. Do you need assistance?"

The next hour of his morning was unremarkable. His breakfast had been brought to him in a sealed container with a printed notification that 'all steps have been taken to assure the wholesomeness of this meal.' He felt much better about eating after reading the notice and using disposable utensils. The orange juice was only slightly below the appropriate temperature and was pulp-free as well. There was even a personal hand sanitizer dispenser beside his bed.

His room door opened after a polite knock and a young woman, about his own age and wearing a white lab coat and surgical booties, stepped in and then stopped and introduced herself.

"Dr. Cooper, I'm Dr. Moira Dunn and I am a licensed and experienced psychiatrist specializing in OCD and other disorders. I would like to talk with you about your issues and see what we might be able to do to reduce the anxiety and stress you're currently subjected to by a disorderly world. May I sit?"

"You may sit but I doubt you will be at all successful. You know nothing about me. And as for 'disorders', my mother had me tested and I'm not crazy." He spoke quietly but with a sense of resignation that the other doctor picked up on quickly.

"Dr. Cooper, I, too, suffer from OCD so I may not know specifics about your behavior but I certainly can discuss it in generalities from a position of both training and personal knowledge." She picked up the guest chair and moved it into a position she found acceptable and then sat and opened up a notebook. She frowned, got up, and moved the chair around a bit and then sat down again. The sequence was repeated three more times before she sat, hesitated, and then smiled at Sheldon.

"Sorry, but the feel of the other positions wasn't right. I'm sure you can relate. Now, tell me about a typical day in the life of Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, youngest recipient of the Stevenson Award and holder of many advanced degrees."

* * *

They talked for almost three hours before a cell phone trilled an alarm and she rose abruptly but smiled warmly at Sheldon, brushing her messy blonde hair away from her face. "I have to eat lunch now and then, assuming you wish to continue this fascinating discussion, I will return at 4pm after visiting hours are over. Is that acceptable, Sheldon?" They'd agreed 'Doctor to doctor' that first names would be acceptable shortly after beginning their conversation.

"Yes, of course. I must say that you have been quite the pleasant change from the normal hokum vendors of your profession. Yes, a pleasant and refreshing change indeed. I look forward to your return, Moira."

He watched as she replaced the chair exactly where it had been and then she smiled shyly at him and walked out, and Sheldon felt certain she was counting the floor tiles between the seat and the door and somehow, that made him feel better. Here was an attractive female of above-average intelligence who not only knew the clinical specifics of his 'disorder' but also experienced it first-hand. He was anxiously looking forward to her return although he wished he were attired in something other than a ridiculous hospital gown.

His lunch was both delicious and meticulously presented. His esteem for the dietary department of the hospital increased with each meal. He completed his dinner meal selection from the supplied menu and leaned back, sipping his ice tea through a straw. Yes, everything seemed cleaner and the food tastier in this hospital than at home.

* * *

Leonard, Raj and Howard dropped by for a brief visit. They'd delayed lunch in order to visit him and he felt a frisson of gratitude, especially toward Leonard who had been so helpful the night before. He noticed they were wearing surgical booties and smiled at the notion. _I wonder if I can get them to wear them in the apartment? It would relieve much of my concerns for the various plethora of pathogens they track in on their street shoes when they visit?_

"Sheldon, I did not call your mom. I figured you were in enough turmoil that adding her might be too much. I will call her and update her if you'll give me the specifics you wish her to know. Oh, and Bernie said she'd drop by and bring you the new comic books that Stuart set aside for you. I don't think the hospital will allow a white board but I'll check and see if you're allowed to have your laptop."

Leonard hesitated but then blurted out, "I called Penny. Left her a voicemail. I know you are angry at her but she is your best friend – "

"Was, Leonard, she _was_ my best friend. You're once again at the top of the heap. Congratulations, although it is purely by default. I have no desire to see her or speak with her. She made things quite clear when she left me – er – us and I know she's made no attempt to maintain contact with any of you so that puts things in proper perspective, doesn't it?"

No one could refute what Sheldon said, or even tried. They all agreed that when Penny moved out, she'd also moved on. The rest of the visit passed quickly and when they left, Leonard stayed behind.

"Sheldon, what should I tell you mom? The University is aware of the issue and has given you an open-ended paid leave. They're anxious, we're all anxious, to have you back annoying the crap out of us."

"Tell my mom I'll call her later in the week but that I am physically fine and am getting help for my various disorders. I have no idea when I'll be released but I can't imagine them tying up a bed for someone who's simply stressed out and succumbed to a panic attack. As for 'annoying the crap' out of you, I'll try and curb my annoying habits. You are all good friends and deserve far better."

Leonard's head spun around several times on his shoulders and he sprouted Red Bull wings and flapped around the room before landing back where he started. Okay, so that's a really out-there description of what passed quickly through his mind. His roommate never apologized, rarely showed much in the way of consideration for others unless it was in his best interests and his failure to make his difficulties the center of attention shocked the experimental physicist speechless.

Leonard smiled and walked out of the room. He felt better about the situation with Sheldon now than ever before.

* * *

Dr Dunn knocked politely on the door frame at precisely 4PM and walked in and positioned her chair in the spot she found 'most comfortable' and opened up his chart and stared speaking in a soft voice, never losing eye contact with Sheldon. She outlined a series of controlled exercises ("let's call them experiments, Sheldon") to ascertain the levels of stress he'd encounter in specific situation.

"What is the point of these? I have OCD, Moira. Surely the psychiatric community has a plethora of patients they've already experimented on and developed treatments by now?"

"Sheldon Cooper, you are an individual with a gifted mind. Your mind operates on levels I cannot even conceive so humor me and allow me the pretense of a being the trained psychiatrist here and thus follow established protocols," said Moira. She knew appealing to his vanity would allow her to walk him through the more mundane tasks associated with establishing a base for treatment.

"Let's go for a walk." Sheldon blushed knowing that hospital gowns were designed with convenience not modesty and he immediately objected to any display of his _gluteus maximii _to the nurses, visitors and patients of the hospital floor. She immediately sensed his discomfort and chuckles quietly, much to his consternation.

"I hardly find the prospect of my butt in the breeze worthy of humor, Moira. I am a famous Theoretical Physicist and – "

"- whose fanny has already become known world-wide via YouTube. Sheldon, I'll have a nurse bring suitable sterile scrubs and you can change."

* * *

As they walked down the corridor towards a sitting room, Moira began asking a series of prepared questions that she'd committed to memory. The answers would be recorded on her digital micro-recorder in her breast pocket.

"How many ceiling tiles are in your hospital room, Sheldon?" His answer was immediate and couched in Sheldon-y qualifiers. She nodded, having expected no less. They reached the sitting room but neither sat as the chairs were affixed like stadium seats and neither wanted to waste time searching for their respective 'spot' so she continued and after a while asked, "What prompted your display of anger towards the pizza delivery guy?" She'd sprung the question as if at random but her line of questioning had been anything but random.

"It was the final straw." He glanced over at her and wondered if she had faced her own _Kobayashi Maru_ situation but he doubted it. She was far too 'normal' to have been as deeply affected by her OCD as he was by his.

He told her about the Star Trek test and how Penny had used it to finally convince him that there was nothing he could do to change her mind, to avert her departure, to lose her from his life. He was sweating and his chest was heaving as he tried to control the thoughts that randomly appeared and the overwhelming urge to lunge forward and through the window glass to the parking lot four floors below them.

"I was pumping gasoline into my first car, a lovely little Volkswagen Beetle and as I watched the pump reach 10 gallons I stopped, and had a psychotic breakdown. The gallons read 'Ten' but the price was '$29.99'. I stood there for I don't know how long before I dropped the pump nozzle and got in my VW and pulled out into traffic – the wrong way. I drove faster and faster down through on-coming traffic until – " She couldn't continue and Sheldon saw tears coursing down her cheeks and he put his arm around her and drew her into an awkward but comforting hug and patted her back whispering, "There, there. Sheldon's here."

A/N: Not a relationship fic but who knows where it will go? As for the guys and Penny? We'll see.


	3. The Perfect Storm

_He'd never been in love or even 'in like' with another human being until the blonde moved in across the hallway from apartment 4A. She was pure Chaos in a petite package that he found 'aesthetically pleasing' in almost all respects but her actual existence brought him to the edge of his patience on more than one occasion. He was a neat freak; she was a slob in her personal_ _environment. Even though she constantly challenged him, he found a means of allowing her presence in his life. He simply embraced the Chaos that was Penny until that dreadful day…_

* * *

Chapter Three

Penny wrote her roommate, Trish, a check for her half of the rent and it dawned on her that it had been a whole month since she'd moved from Pasadena. She'd thought about calling her friends but between losing her phone in the move and buying a new one, she never quite got around to calling them and updating them with her new number and how things were going.

She pulled out her iPhone and tried to remember any one of the guys' numbers but had never really memorized them, having them in her old phone's contact list. The same was true for Bernadette and her friends from the Cheesecake Factory. Sometimes reliance on technology could bite people in the ass – like now.

Sighing and promising herself that she would contact them when she had a free day, she tore the check from her checkbook and slipped it under the bowl where they kept their mail and keys. She had to memorize her lines for this week's series of rehearsals and taping and she'd often waited until the last minute, like now, to do so.

In the hustle and bustle of her new job and life, her promise was quickly forgotten.

* * *

Sheldon looked at his hands and then the clock on the wall and then back at his hands again. He was paler than usual and breathing erratically but Moira sat across from him at the café table on the empty hospital patio annex and offered him encouragement.

"Sheldon, only 35 more seconds. You can do it. Just think about the cues I gave you and _breathe_ normally for God's sake, ya big ninny!"

Their project for the first day of his Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was to tackle his Mysophobia, his mortal fear of germs and various pathogens. Their initial goal was a minute but she knew if he made it to thirty seconds without plunging his loam-coated hands into the wash basin next to him it would be a true triumph of will on his part.

They were seated at the café table when Moira told him why they were there. "Sheldon, we're going to get our hands dirty in real dirt taken right from the hospital planting beds. We're going to hold it in our hands for one single minute, not a second more. It's the first step on a long journey but I'll be right here, my hands just as dirty, and I won't let anything bad happen to you, Sheldon. I promise. Just 60 seconds. I know you can do it."

"56, 57, 58, 59, 60! Oh, Sheldon, you did it and on your first try!" She would never tell him that at 30 seconds she'd almost pulled his hands into the washbasin herself. His breathing and the obvious strain were worrying her but she trusted in her training and wanted Sheldon to have his moment of triumph. He needed to succeed, to show so aspect of control over his greatest fear.

Baby steps for a normal person. Giant leaps for someone like Sheldon Cooper. She watched as he soaked his hands in the antiseptic rinse in the washbasin and then she led him to a sink that was just inside a private entrance off the patio annex. She watched as he scrubbed his hands with antiseptic surgical soap, scrubbing vigorously under the nails with the small surgeon's brush until he felt 'clean'.

She hip-bumped him aside and washed her own hands just as vigorously, something that didn't go unnoticed by someone as intelligent and observant as Sheldon Cooper was.

He felt a warmth in his chest when he looked down at the short and very attractive blonde psychiatrist who suffered from the same disorders as he did and who willingly put herself in situations that must have been stressful just to share his journey.

Dr. Moira Dunn saw the look on her patient's face and sighed inwardly. Transference. She would have to be very careful in her dealings with him. Such feelings for a physician by a patient were normal but in this case could prove detrimental to the patient's progress and the effectiveness of the therapies.

_He saw this Penny person's refusal to stay as rejection and this proved to be the final straw and now he's identifying with me and when I pass him on to a more qualified therapist what will that do to him and his progress? This must stop here and now for his own good._

She took a deep breath and exhaled after looking at the clock above the sink. "Oh, my. I have to eat lunch now. I'm meeting my girlfriend for lunch in the cafeteria. Even though we live together, I just can't seem to get enough of her. Will you be able to find your room by yourself, Sheldon? I really don't want to be late."

He quit drying his hands and tossed the paper towels into the waste disposal bin and sighed. "Of course I can find my room! Don't be silly. Go meet your g-girlfriend. It's rude to be late, Dr. Dunn. Penny was never one to worry about wasting someone's time making them wait." His face was pinched in disappointment but he didn't let it show. He never allowed any emotion to show.

Moira felt a frisson of despair at the sudden coolness in his voice and his use of 'Dr. Dunn' instead of 'Moira'. It had to be done. Besides it's a violation of the Canon of Ethics to continue treating a patient one is developing feelings for. _I hope this closes the door on Moira/Sheldon in his mind. Surely he will see that pursuing anything is folly considering my 'sexual preference'?_

She hurried to the cafeteria where she was meeting some colleagues for lunch and didn't turn back to look at Sheldon. Had she done so, she might have been able to intervene but she didn't turn back. Her own demand for punctuality wouldn't allow her to spend the few precious seconds necessary to check on her patient.

Sheldon stared at the hot water coursing around the sink and grabbed the surgical soap but dropped it and walked out of the small washroom onto the patio annex. He dug both hands deep into the rich loam and made fists and then pounded those fists against the steel tabletop over and over and over until they ached. He swept the loam container and the washbasin off the tabletop with a vicious sweeping motion and then walked into the washroom, retrieved the surgical soap from the floor and washed his hands and used the brush to clean his nails.

_It's the Kobayashi Maru all over again. Only this time it's her gender preference that fixes the outcome of the test. Drat! All this 'caring' was nothing more than therapy to her! Has she no consideration for my feelings at all? Of course not. She's a woman._

He resolved to ask for another therapist citing 'personal differences' as soon as he was able to speak to the head of the Therapy Service. He had trusted her, let her lead him through unspeakable horrors and this was the result? Sixty seconds. A crowning achievement, indeed.

* * *

Moira discussed her favorite patient with her own counselor and after 30 minutes of dancing around the questions, she blurted out "I'm afraid I'm developing totally inappropriate feelings for Sheldon and I've already lied to him after observing signs of Transference and now I feel like such a shit!" She covered her mouth with her hand, horrified that she'd revealed her true feelings in such an unprofessional manner.

"Moira, you are only human. You share a unique bond in that both of you have OCD although you have made astonishing progress over the course of your own therapy. As your advisor and your friend, I'll request another therapist as soon as possible. If you wish to see how these 'feelings' develop, you must step away now, understand?"

* * *

Sheldon sat in the visitor's chair after finding that by positioning it in the same place Moira had, it was, indeed, satisfactory given the room's ventilation duct, proximity to the door and the amount of ambient lighting provided by the window and the room's fixtures. He was pondering the results of his on-line research into the various therapies developed for OCD and SAD.

_I must remember to thank Leonard for bringing me my laptop else I'd be counting the holes in the acoustical tile or watching some mindless game shows on television designed to lull the masses into purchasing useless things because advertisers told them they were 'new and improved'._

_How could something new be an improvement on an earlier version of the identical product that did not exist and therefore could not be improved upon?_

While reading an article written by and for therapists on the subject of Cognitive Behavioral Therapies, he stumbled across a warning to the reader about the dangers of Transference. It was a reminder that the therapist must be alert for such signs and how they affected the patient's progress and state of mind.

He was, surprisingly enough, unfamiliar with the term as it was used in the hokum that was modern psychology. He knew the term as it applied in physics but not in psychology. His research was sobering. And disturbing.

_In my reliance on Penny to guide me through the dangerous paths of social intercourse, had I unconsciously cast her in the role of 'therapist'? Are or rather were the feelings I felt for her merely transference? Or were they 'real' feelings?_

He had a personal epiphany, a Eureka moment.

_ All feelings of love and affection are merely transference. Now that I, Homo novus, have chanced upon this fact, I can now concentrate on my research, secure in the knowledge that any such 'feelings' are merely a manifestation of transference._

Feeling relieved and definitely superior to the remaining 99.9999% of humanity, he could almost taste the Nobel Prize in his immediate future now that he was free of such time wasters.

_Well, there is certainly no reason to remain here now that I've satisfied myself that my Kobayashi Maru moment was merely a fluke brought about because I failed to recognize my need for Penny to remain in my life as mere transference and not a real 'need'. At least now that I understand things, rescheduling to accommodate another person in my life is no longer a requirement or a concern._

Feeling smugly satisfied with his discovery, he could see the wisdom of the adage, 'Physician, heal thyself'. Indeed, he had healed himself.

* * *

Sheldon spent the remainder of the afternoon perusing various physics journals and publications until he was interrupted by a soft knock and a 'Hello, Sheldon, may I come in and speak with you?'

It was Moira and his chest tightened and he felt his stomach flutter but he remembered his discovery and cloaked himself in indifference. He got up from 'her' spot and sat on his bed. "If you must, Dr. Dunn."

He saw her soft smile falter and then watched as she straightened up and said, "So we're back to Dr. Dunn and Dr. Cooper? Well, perhaps that's for the best considering the situation. I've come to tell you that I am withdrawing as your therapist for professional reasons. You will be assigned a new therapist and he or she will meet with you in the morning. Goodbye, Sheldon."

Sheldon followed her out into the hallway and to the nurses' station. She was making notations on his chart and it seemed the perfect time to make an announcement of his own.

"I won't need another therapist. I have had a breakthrough and am discharging myself immediately. Since you are my physician, this is the perfect time to complete the paperwork necessary to effect my discharge. Nurse, I'll be leaving and won't require dinner. Be a lamb and thank the dietary department for their unusual attention to my needs."

He turned and walked back toward his own room when he heard "Sheldon, you can't just discharge yourself because you got you damned hands dirty for a full minute! You still have issues and – "

"Do not concern yourself, Dr. Dunn. I'm sure you'll find another victim on whom to practice." He felt hurt for some reason and used his best weapon, his voice, to hurt her back. "And it's _Doctor _Cooper."

As he walked back to his room and past the bank of elevators, Moira caught up to him and grabbed his upper arm and whirled him around. Her eyes were blazing with anger.

"You were not a victim! How dare you – "

* * *

_Penny felt guilty. Bernadette had finally returned her call and bluntly told her that she had no use for a 'fair weather friend' who turned her back on years of friendship and moved on without so much as a 'goodbye'._

_"Bernie, I've been really busy and – "_

_"Sheldon Cooper is in the hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown. It's obvious that being a 'best friend' is simply a title you use when you want something from someone. Good bye, Penny. I hope you're very happy with your new fame and fortune."_

She'd changed clothes and hopped in her car and drove faster than was prudent to the hospital. She needed to see him, to talk with him, to try and make this right. The elevator seemed to take forever but finally the chime indicated the fourth floor.

Just then the elevator doors opened and Penny Queen stepped out and said, "Sheldon! Oh, Sweetie, I just heard – "

"Oh, dear Lord." He wanted to run. He wanted to stay. He looked at Moira and then at Penny. Their mouths were moving in slow motion. There she was, the woman who'd broken him, used his own beloved logic against him. And here she was, the woman who willingly combed her fingers through filthy pathogen-laden loam to help him even if her gender choice was so wrong in his mind that…his heart pounded and suddenly there wasn't enough air and he…

"Moon Pie, what is it?" Penny took a step towards him, smiling but concerned because of his pallor and breathing.

"Leave him alone, he's in a panic. Can't you see that?" Moira tugged on his arm to get his attention, to reassure him that everything would be alright, that it was natural to be torn between approaching a situation and avoiding it, but suddenly he clutched at his chest and collapsed.

He fainted.


	4. The Simple Elimination of Chaos

A/N: For Johntel who lets me write my own stories.

_Sheldon Cooper often referred to Penny Queen as 'the most aggravating point of chaos in my life". He could not figure out how to put her in one of his little boxes, how to properly label her, or define her. So he didn't. He simply allowed one single individual to exist in his otherwise pristine world of structured order, of Entropy, but now, despite his complete acceptance of the process of Transference, there was another, and his closed system became chaotic. The need for order outweighed common sense with disastrous results._

Chapter Four

He became aware of two snakes hissing somewhere near his feet and he became incredibly still, hoping they would slither away and leave him in this delicious fog of unthinkingness.

He lay in his bed trying to make sense of the hissing that finally transmogrified into speech.

"…became so agitated at your sudden appearance that I had to order a light sedative. I cannot allow you to remain and must ask you to leave. He thinks he's cured but, if anything was demonstrated by your appearance, it's that he's almost as bad off now as when I first examined him."

"He's my friend, my best friend and – " she started but the shorter, feisty psychiatrist was quick to cut her off.

"Ms. Queen, your departure was the tipping point that ultimately ended up with him losing his sense of structure and position in a world he cannot live in. You saw how he reacted. I must insist you leave immediately."

Penny felt a fisson of guilt but mashed it down as quickly as she'd felt it and recognized it for what it was.

"I moved. I distupted his precious schedule." Penny didn't mean to belittle or dismiss the doctor's comments but she did. "Look, I work in L.A. and I need to live closer to my job. I'm an actress and finally got – "

"Yes, I daresay I know more about you and your ambitions from sessions with Shel – with my patient, than anyone else. In many respects, you were the center of his universe because you didn't fit anywhere else. Imagine the one thing you rely on more than anything else suddenly disappearing from your world. How would you feel? Now, multiply that by some huge number – that's how he felt."

"It's not my fault he put me in the center. I didn't ask for that. We were just friends, best friends, and a normal person would have understood why I had to move but no, not Dr. Whackadoodle, not him. He even offered to buy me a car if I'd stay." She was on a roll, not really thinking, not even guessing, how her words might hurt.

"He's not normal by your standards, he's – "

"Boy, you can say that again. He's selfish and self-centered. He's a bag of nuts six feet tall. He even folds his dirty laundry! I mean, how nuts is that? And he has his precious spot and he needs his food a certain way and he never lets me forget for one minute how stupid I am and – "

"He sings to you, lends you money without interest or a timeframe for repayment, he helped you start a business that died because you didn't apply yourself to it! He thinks the world of you. He is not nuts, he's just different and his issues - "

The two women were toe-to-toe and about to come to blows when Sheldon finally had had enough. He had tears in his eyes and anger in his heart and he reacted as only someone with issues such as his could.

Sheldon lurched out of bed and angrily shoved the two combatants out of the room. He slammed the door, shoved the guest chair under the handle as he'd once seen in a movie and retreated to the bathroom and locked the door. His fist smashed into the mirror and he pulled out one of the largest shards in the frame.

His mother and dad had fought like that and he'd hidden under the bed because invariably he would be used as a bludgeon by one against the other. Two people he loved using him to hurt one another. The parallels were not lost on someone with an IQ of 187. He was brilliant and his overwhelming need for structure and order had brought them all to this point in time.

_I am Chaos in their worlds. I am the one who brings them misery and pain through my selfish need for homeostasis. The needs of the many…_

He felt sudden resolve and calm. It was so simple. Remove Chaos and Order follows. The closed system would once again be in balance. The world wasn't ready for Homo novus so the obvious solution was to remove himself from it.

He knew his anatomy. He made the long slice down his inner forearm lacerating the interior antebrachial vein. It didn't hurt, such was his state of mind aided by the drugs that coursed through his veins. The slices in his palm and fingers didn't hurt either. He stood leaning forward slightly with his arm over the sink since he had no desire to ultimately lie in a pool of his own coagulating blood. He smiled, changed hands and drew a long incision down the other arm and closed his eyes.

* * *

Stunned and suddenly having a focus for her anger, Penny pounded on the door and shouted for Sheldon to quit acting like a child and open the door.

Moira knew what had happened and a terribly cold fear clutched at her heart and she shouted for an orderly. "Move or I'll have you arrested!" she said, pushing Penny aside and shoving at the door with her shoulder. Penny lent her weight to the little psychiatrist but the door wouldn't budge.

The orderly smashed against the door like a lineman against a tackling dummy and the chair clattered across the room as the door flew open with a crash.

"Bathroom! He's in the bathroom!" shouted Moira, ignoring Penny and directing the lineman at the door. He didn't try the knob. He knew what the psych section's patients were likely to do and he wasn't going to have that on his watch. He splintered the lock with one massive kick and the door flew open again and he assessed the situation at a glance and scooped Sheldon up like a baby and carried him to the bed.

Penny was just standing there watching as the orderly straightened out Sheldon's limbs and Moira used towels from the bathroom to put pressure on the long bleeding slashes. The orderly lifted a cover and mashed the red button that signaled a medical emergency.

_Oh, God, so much blood!_ Penny retreated to a corner of the room and almost hid while medical personnel and staff wheeled in IV stands and monitoring equipment and carts full of electronic equipment.

A/N: Short but I am pressed for time.


	5. Out With the Old

_They say time heals all wounds but not in the case of Sheldon Cooper, PhD. Penny left and didn't return and Dr. Dunn had been replaced by a taciturn Freudian who knew little about OCD but was convinced it had something to do with his mother and pressed the issue, even going so far as to contact Mary Cooper by phone to get 'her side' of his Oedipal issues._

_"My Shelly does NOT have sexual desires for his Mommy and just what kind of doctor are you who would even suggest such sinful thoughts? I shall pray for you but don't let me catch you fillin' my boy's head with such sinful nonsense. Not even Jesus hisself will be able to find all your parts!'_

_He shortly requested that another therapist be assigned since the only time he could get any response from the patient at all was when he'd asked him if he had desires to have sexual intercourse with his mother. Sheldon had glared at him and said the only complete sentence in 3 weeks of therapy: 'Not only no but HELL no!'_

_When not sitting sullenly in his therapist's office for his twice-daily sessions, he would sit in the guest chair in his room and consider the Universe and the many, many theories regarding its origin and components._

Chapter Five

Sheldon Cooper was discharged after his last therapist had certified that he was 'fit to reenter society' and Leonard was good enough to pick him up and take him home to the apartment.

Leonard had visited Sheldon faithfully, keeping him up to date on local happenings, bringing him his mail and, along with Raj and Howard, trying to get him to smile and talk animatedly about anything at all without much result.

"I'll bet you're glad to be home, buddy. I'm glad you're back, Sheldon. It's been too quiet and far too boring without you here to keep us in line." Sheldon hadn't said a word when Leonard had picked him up other than a genuine 'Thank you for being my friend, Leonard. Now if you're ready, I'd like to get out of this place and back to my life."

When Sheldon glanced at the door of apartment 4B Leonard was quick to comment. "The new tenant is a retired postal clerk and I rarely see her. She's quiet and polite when we do meet up. Sometimes her eyes are red and puffy like she's been crying so I'm not quite sure what's going on with her and – "

"I'm sure she's nice, Leonard. As for her puffy eyes, perhaps she has allergies. In any event, she might have pink eye. I wouldn't get involved in her life if I were you. I have no intention of doing so, of that you can be sure."

"The guys were going to come over and bring pizza but I told them that it wasn't 'Pizza Night' and besides, you'd probably like some time to yourself in your own apartment before being overwhelmed by us all."

The look on Sheldon's face was pensive and he surprised Leonard by saying 'Oh, call them and invite them over. Bernadette, too, of course. I haven't had pizza in 8 weeks and I find myself craving it."

* * *

For three of the four friends it was just like old times. Bernadette never pressed Sheldon for any details and the conversation flowed easily although they all noticed that Sheldon didn't participate as much. They were shocked when he suddenly stood and wished them goodnight.

"I'll be seeking new lodging as soon as possible. A new environment is supposed to ease my transition back into normal society and I see no reason not to follow that recommendation. Also, I wish to humbly thank each of you for being my friends and valued acquaintances over the past half-decade, especially since I have not been much of a friend to any of you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll retire. Please continue your merriment. I wish you all well."

It was Howard who voiced their collective surprise after hearing the door to his room close and the lock engage.

"What the frak?"

* * *

When Leonard stumbled out into the kitchen in search of breakfast and coffee he was surprised to see his friend cooking something that smelled delicious.

"Sheldon, is that bacon I smell?" He was handed a cup of coffee and told to 'sit down and enjoy your coffee. Your breakfast will be ready in a few moments."

Leonard gaped at his plate. Scrambled eggs with onions and peppers just as he like them, hash brown potatoes and toast with several slices of bacon. "Sheldon, you didn't have to do this but thank you. It is very considerate of you. Oh, this tastes delicious."

"I poisoned it. One learns many new and interesting things in the psych ward if one listens."

Leonard choked on the first bite and Sheldon smiled and said, "Banzinga!" and then walked to his room, _whistling!_

"What the frak?"

* * *

Sheldon didn't go into work for several days. He had the time accumulated so he took the days he'd lose going over the 60-day accrued vacation ruling to buy a small bungalow west of the University. He wore jeans and a button-up shirt and tennis shoes and took a cab to the realtor's office to make a deposit on the dwelling and then to the Credit Union and applied for a mortgage. With his impeccable credit, it was easily granted. Given the interest rate on the remaining mortgage, his monthly payments were easily only half of what he was paying for his apartment.

Next he contacted a contractor and an interior decorator. He wanted several changes made to the floor plan and assigned the decorator the task of selecting the décor to his exact specifications. When she started to ask questions about color motifs he simply said, "Please read the specifications I've laid out in detail. White. Every thing is to be pristine white."

Taking a cab to the mall, Sheldon went shopping for clothing. He had very specific tastes and spent a great deal of time and money on selecting exactly the right clothes for work and leisure. After making delivery arrangements, his next stop was CalTech and Dr. Seibert's office. He had an appointment to discuss the conditions of his return and he also had conditions he needed the University to meet. The meeting went very well.

Dr. Seibert came out to the reception area to greet Sheldon and was surprised by his unusual (for him) attire but shocked when Sheldon offered him his hand to shake in greeting.

"I've made great strides in overcoming some of my phobias. Unfortunately I've added a few to my repertoire but I'm told that's to be expected. Several irritating ones but hardly worth mentioning."

The discussion went well until Sheldon told the University president that he would need a different office.

"Dr. Cooper, there are no offices available other than the one you currently occupy unless you wish to share space with another researcher. I suppose I can move people around to allow for your new issues but it will take time and – "

"My requirements are easily met and the space is currently available. Dr. Seibert, I've become agoraphobic and the windows in my office would play hell with my phobia and greatly reduce my effectiveness. The only change to the space I'm speaking of is that I require it to be painted bright white. Consider it a favor, please?"

And that's how Sheldon's office became located in the basement of the Physics and Natural Science wing in a large windowless room that used to house the University's old antiquated relay phone switch back when people had black bakelite phones with [gasp] dials on them.

* * *

He stopped by the office of the cafeteria manager to make his last request of the University staff before leaving. He greeted Mrs. Horn warmly since they'd had many conversations, or perhaps confrontations, about the cafeteria's standards for cleanliness and she looked at him warily. Unlike others, though, she had come to respect the slightly-unorthodox researcher since he'd almost always been right in his observations and comments. Also, she knew all about his suicide attempt and that made her feel more sympathetic towards him. Her own daughter had succumbed to depression and taken pills and ended her life. She took in his long sleeves and the way he fussed with the cuffs and knew what he was hiding.

"Welcome back, Dr. Cooper. How can I help you?"

"I, um, well, I was hoping we might come to an agreement about my request of your cafeteria staff. I fully recognize the inconvenience it might cause you and have no problem with adjusting the price of lunch to include…delivery to my new office."

"Dr. Cooper? Sheldon? Don't cut yourself off from your friends and colleagues. They really missed you. They care a lot about you."

"As do I for them which is precisely why I'm distancing myself from them. One never knows when one might go 'postal' now, does one?" There was a long, pregnant silence and when she spoke, even someone as lacking in empathy as Sheldon thought he was could hear the sadness and remorse in her voice.

"And one never knows when a dear friend or colleague is in such emotional pain that he'd try and take his own life to escape it. If you ever need to talk to someone, just walk in. I won't judge you. I wish my daughter had had someone to listen…"

After what seemed like and awkwardly long period of silence, Sheldon nodded and said just as softly, "I shall remember that, Ms. Horn, and hold you to your word if needs be. Thank you for your assistance with my noon meal. I'll email you if I'm going to be away from my office and not require lunch."

* * *

On his way out, he pulled a preprinted notice and posted it on the 'Graduate Student Work Opportunities' bulletin board then called for a cab and waited patiently out on the steps for it to arrive.

"Well, well, well. Coming back to work, Dumbass?" Leslie knew about Sheldon's breakdown (Leonard had been very vocal about how Sheldon had appeared to have suffered a coronary and how he'd been in the hospital. She was surprised at his appearance. He looked older and somewhat drawn but the longer hair and rough stubble of beard made him look quite different although the clothes were the must shocking change.

"Yes, Leslie. In two days. I was just checking in with Dr. Seibert about my return and any restrictions the University might have regarding it." He didn't bother to look at her or otherwise acknowledge her existence. He simply answered her question honestly.

She chortled and whispered loudly, "Yeah, like keep you away from sharp objects, I'm sure."

"Then I'll be in no danger around you since your wit is dull and your tongue, no longer a threat, would look good on the wall of my new office along with the others I'll collect as time goes by. Remember, Leslie, pay backs are incestuous." He laughed when she translated his comment and watched as her eyes widened and she took a step backwards.

She turned and almost ran down the hallway. "Bazinga, Leslie," he whispered almost proud of himself.

He took another cab back to the apartment and spent the rest of his day carefully labeling and sorting out his investment-grade collectible action figures and his comic books for distribution to his friends. He had no need of such things. They were the symbols and accoutrements of 'old Sheldon'.

New Sheldon had no need of such childish things.

* * *

A/N: Sheldon has to face Penny in order to slay his personal dragons and complete his journey.


	6. Is This How It Ends?

_Sheldon Cooper realized early on in his life that in order to reduce the anxieties he felt from just dealing with the day-to-day issues a precocious genius surrounded by mental cattle faced, he'd need walls, a veritable fortress in which to dwell and allow his mind to solve those mysteries presented to it by science. Thus he developed rituals, schedules, and a tight structure from which to deal with the world. However, dealing with one brought others into prominence and after dealing_ _with those, there were others, perhaps lesser but still they were there._

_He developed the concept of Homo novus and applied it to himself and soon found it to be a soothing balm when dealing with others, even those whose IQ neared but could hardly surpass his own. He set himself up as the center of his universe and based all his interactions on the premise that 'lesser beings are lesser'._

_But then he met Penny Queen and her damned Chaos and she threatened his carefully structured world. She was immune to his form of discipline although once he used chocolate as a reward for successfully altering her behavior but soon even that fell by the wayside._

_He simply allowed Chaos to exist in that one tiny segment of his life and redesigned his worldview around it. In short, he allowed her into his life and would respond accordingly to her presence. All went well until she announced her intentions of forever removing herself from his universe and despite his best efforts, it unraveled leaving him defenseless._

Chapter Six

He moved into his new home without fanfare, wishing Leonard well and enjoying the looks of delight and consternation on the faces of his two friends and one valued associate.

"Sheldon, you gave me your entire collection of investment-grade action figures! I can't accept these," whined Leonard. He was shocked that Sheldon would part so easily with what had been a major part of his life.

"I have no need of them and several of these will dovetail quite nicely with those you yourself have collected. Take them and be happy, Leonard." Sheldon was uncomfortable with gratitude inasmuch as he found himself unable to properly respond despite having researched 'proper responses when giving gifts' on Google.

He'd returned the Hulk gloves with Stan Lee's signature to Raj and gave him a light saber prop that had been worn by Mark Hammel in a Star Wars film. Raj started to cry and attempted to hug him but he sidestepped Raj and then presented Howard with his entire comic book collection.

"Sheldon, these comic books represent a life's work and – " Howard began but Sheldon cut him off brusquely. "Yes, time better spent on researching my theories. How much closer to success might I be if I hadn't wasted time with such nonsense? No, take them and enjoy them. Perhaps you might consider selling them and using the funds to obtain a doctorate? In any event, live long and prosper."

He left without a further word and Howard once again summed up what they all thought.

"What the frak?"

* * *

The first two months after starting back in at CalTech were filled with minor adjustments but soon his routines and structured environment brought him a sense of peace he hadn't know in a very long time. His research was going well and his recent paper on the possibilities of 'chaotic matter' existing and the formulae to prove it had created quite a stir in the scientific community. Some hailed it as a discovery of incredible significance while others dismissed it as 'heresy'. He found that he enjoyed the lively debate that ensued, often weighing in on one side or the other, much to the consternation of other scientists. He simply muttered 'Bazinga' and smiled and went on about his business.

* * *

Penny Queen had often thought about Sheldon Cooper, mostly when she was lonely and feeling small and insignificant. Sheldon had always made her feel like she mattered beyond what others saw. He simply accepted her and she found herself missing being accepted for being just her.

Her series was a solid success and the network had picked them up for the summer season and so she finally had what she wanted: fame and fortune. Everywhere she went fans would surround her asking for her autograph, a selfie with them, or shouting questions about the series.

Since it was a Saturday and she had nothing to do, she dressed 'down' and wore her hair in a messy bun and schlepped out to just be 'Penny Queen from Nebraska' and decided to see how her boys were doing. Especially Sheldon.

She knew from Bernadette that he was out of treatment and back at work at CalTech but nothing more. Bernie had been reluctant to discuss the whole 'Sheldon issue' with her and Leonard had simply told her 'talk to him if you want details'. So, here she was, trudging up the stairs to apartment 4A at 10:30 on a Saturday morning to see her friends.

_'Ms. Queen, you saw what happened when he encountered you in the elevator and what happened afterwards. I cannot allow you to visit him now or as long as he's under my care. Your presence is simply too distressing to him to allow it.'_

_'That's not fair! He's my friend. He's always been there when I needed him and now he needs me. You can't keep me from seeing him, from helping recover and be the sweet man I know he is.'_

_'He tried to kill him self, to escape something so horrid to him that suicide was the only answer. Do you really want to risk him falling deeper into his depressive anxiety by being with him? You represent what he once had but lost. You were his center and now he has to find a new one because you will go back to your life and leave him alone again.'_

_'I am not why he tried to kill himself. I can't be. Surely there is another reason? I can't bear being the cause of his suffering. If you think I should leave, then I will but please let him know that I'm only a phone call away?'_

Penny knocked on the door of 4A and waited. And waited. Finally the door across from her, her old apartment, opened and an older woman with rheumy eyes looked her up and down and said, "Dr. Hofstadter is away at some conference. I don't know when he'll return. Whom shall I tell him came by?"

"Actually I was here to see Sheldon Cooper. He's tall, has the bluest eyes and – "

"Oh, him. He came back from being in the hospital, stayed a few days and then moved out. I don't know where he moved. He must have filled out a change of address since there's never any mail except for Dr. Hofstadter."

Penny thanked the woman and dug out her cell phone and called Bernadette. It was Saturday so chances are she was home.

"Hi, Bernie, it's Penny Queen. I'm at the guys' apartment and no one's home. A neighbor said Sheldon moved out and – "

"Yeah, Sheldon bought a place west of the University and moved. Weirdest thing is he gave all his action figures and super hero stuff away to Leonard and Raj. Howard is in heaven with the new additions to his comic book collection and I'm in Hell since he spends more time with those than with me!"

Penny had a mental flash of Bernie stamping her little foot and demanding Howard sex her up but he waved her away muttering something about 'fluids and comic books don't mix'. It was something she could imagine Sheldon saying but not doing. She snickered and realized Bernie could hear her.

"It's not at all funny, Penny. I have needs!" Penny chuckled at Bernie's frustration but then sobered up, remembering the purpose of her call.

"How is he, Bernie? I came by to see him since that bitch wouldn't let me visit. Can you imagine her even suggesting I was the reason for his…y'know?"

"I guess he's okay. He's back to work but Howard says he doesn't eat lunch with them anymore. Leonard's lost without Sheldon and when he comes by, it's 'Sheldon used to…' Well, y'know, you were the glue that kept them together and when you left, it all fell apart, especially Sheldon."

…you were the center of his universe because you didn't fit anywhere else. Imagine the one thing you rely on more than anything else suddenly disappearing from your world. How would you feel?

Penny shook her head at the therapist's words that came floating up out of her subconscious. "Bernie, do you have his address? I need to talk with him, explain some things to him – "

"Yeah, I got it somewhere. Good luck talking to him. He's changed, even more reclusive in some respects but he's more 'presentable' to the University and donors. Howie says he wears 'man clothes' and everyone is talking about his 'man cave office' in the basement of the building."

Penny filed those tidbits away and pressed for the address. She fed the address into the GPS of her new car and drove west towards the University and beyond.

She liked the house at once. It looked like a home, not a rental. The boxwoods and Hick's Yews that formed a short but impenetrable wall around the front yard and along the driveway were perfectly shaped. A rustic looking gate opened up to a brick walk that bisected the front lawn with mathematical precision. There was a sporty looking Mini Cooper parked in the driveway. She noted that the driver's seat was far forward while the passenger's was as far back as it could travel.

She rang the bell and waited. She heard a woman's voice laughing and saying loudly, "I'll get it…" in a singsong voice, almost like it was mocking someone. A young woman of about 30 or so opened the door and it took a moment for Penny to recognize the casual version of Dr. Dunn, Sheldon's therapist.

"Well, well, well, Ms. Queen. How nice of you to remember him after all this time." Sarcasm dripped off the young doctor's words and Penny blushed. There'd been ample opportunities to call or visit Sheldon but she always had 'good reasons' for not calling or dropping by to see him.

Going on the attack, Penny said, "Well, I'm here now and I'd like to see Sheldon." The word alone was clearly implied by her tone.

Moira Dunn stepped towards Penny, forcing her to take a step back as the short blonde closed the door behind here. "Look, I know you were friends but he doesn't want to see you. Actually, he doesn't want to see anybody from before his hospitalization. He's ashamed of what he did."

Suddenly the door opened and there he stood, dressed in a long sleeved button up shirt and black dress pants. His eyes narrowed just a bit before returning to normal and he smiled at Penny but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Moira, your lunch is ready. Why don't you go ahead and eat before it gets cold. I'll be along in a few minutes."

Frowning, Moira started to say something but stopped and sighed and muttered something about cold cuts already being cold before sidestepping Sheldon and going back inside the bungalow.

He looked good. His hair was longer and he obviously hadn't shaved yet that morning and it looked like he'd gained some weight and it made him look healthier although there were wrinkles around his eyes that hadn't been there before.

"Penny, you don't have to do this. You bear no responsibility for my actions in the hospital. I know you've moved on with your life and are realizing your dream of being a successful actress. I'm sure you have things to do that don't include visiting a six feet tall bag of nuts. I have a guest and even a selfish person such as I knows that I should be with her. It was good seeing you again, Penny. I wish you well."

He turned and walked back into the house and closed and locked the door.

She turned and walked back to her car and noticed as she walked by the Mini Cooper that several suits were in cleaner bags hanging in the back seat. The name on the ticket stapled to the plastic was Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

She got into her car and pulled away from the curb but soon stopped and pulled over, unable to see the road through her tears.

Next: Life at the Center of the Universe or How Sheldon copes with his new life's paradigms.


	7. Hidden in Plain Sight

_Moira Dunn, for all her training and experience, crossed the line between patient and therapist but had been ethical enough to ease herself from the situation and have another therapist assigned to his case. She was emotionally and physically attracted to Sheldon Cooper. After his discharge from the hospital she'd lost track of him until one day she'd stumbled upon Sheldon leaving the dry cleaners and she'd offered him a ride home. She wanted the chance to see how he was doing and perhaps explain some things she wasn't permitted to do under her Canon of Ethics._

_Penny Queen had been wounded before by lovers but never had it hurt this badly; never before had she been so torn up by someone she hadn't even dated. His look of dismissal had torn at her heart like daggers and when he wished her well and turned and closed and locked the door, something inside of her screamed 'No! Not like this!' and she'd somehow made her way to her car and driven off. The words he'd quoted were her words but the man who spoke them had never been hers nor was it likely he ever would be._

_When Sheldon had turned his back on Penny Queen, something inside of him, normally safely buried under the debris of bad experiences, struggled and writhed and finally made its way into his subconscious._

'You IDIOT' _the unused portion of his amygdala shrieked at him, _ 'She thinks she's responsible for what happened at the hospital. She came here to see YOU and you just let our 0,0,0,0 walk away? What the FRAK?'

* * *

When he walked into the kitchen, he saw Moira perched on the bar stool with a glass of ice water in her hand and a question on her lips.

"It was totally unnecessary for her to 'drop by' since I do not, in any way, blame her for my disgraceful behavior in the hospital. Nor do I in any way blame you either. I hate confrontation between close friends or loved ones. When I was a child…it was usually a prelude to a night of drunkenness and tears."

When he picked up his own glass of ice water his hand shook so badly that he set it back down immediately and collided with Moira as she raced for a sponge or towel to wipe up the slight spill, each a victim of OCD.

His arms wrapped around her to keep her from falling while hers wrapped around his waist. Half leaning, half falling, she tightened her grip on him and whispered, "This feels good, Sheldon. It feels right. Please, don't pull away. I turned you away for professional reasons but running into you at the dry cleaners brought back all those repressed feelings I had then and still have for you now."

Sheldon almost dropped her as he stepped back and stared at Moira. "You are merely experiencing Transference, nothing more. As a psychiatrist you should recognize that. You should also recognize that I have neither the desire nor need of anyone else in my life. I am centered. Homeostasis has been restored and the system is in balance."

"No, Sheldon, no. It's not in balance. You can't cut yourself off from humanity. It's crippling you and you are too stubborn to see it. Look around! Not one breath of color. And for your information, Mr. Smarty Pants, it's not Transference. It's love!"

Sheldon looked at the small woman with the big brown eyes and said, "Thank you for the ride home. Let yourself out please when you've finished your sandwich." She was Chaos and he had no need of it in his life. Once had been enough. He laughed to himself at his mental meanderings. Love was a four letter word.

* * *

Penny pulled herself together and drove home, her mind reliving moments with Sheldon that she'd taken for granted. His damned 'whackadoodle-isms' drove her crazy. She understood now what she didn't then. His schedules, his rituals and his signature triple knocks were masks for the real Sheldon Cooper. She hadn't exactly belittled him for them, not really in a harsh way; she just expected him to adjust to her presence in his life.

He had to such a point that her withdrawal was seen as betrayal and abandonment and it shattered his world into more pieces than even someone with an IQ of 187 could reassemble into something tolerable.

She had no idea that while he adjusted consciously to her presence, so had she. Hers had been a more subtle change in attitude and acceptance, so slow that she hadn't even noticed.

What had happened in the bathroom of his hospital room had shaken her to her core. She had been paralyzed with fear of losing him, of no longer having her Moon Pie in her life. Of an end to all those possibilities she'd imagined. It was afterwards, sitting in the waiting room waiting for word that he was going to survive that she began building her own fortress, her own layers and layers of armor.

If she didn't care, it wouldn't hurt. If she walked away, returned to her safe life and concentrated on her future and her career, what happened to him wouldn't matter now or in the future.

She was grieving the loss of her best friend and refused to acknowledge what so many had already seen: the spark, the chemistry, the harmony they had when together. No. She denied her feelings and had turned away and run back to the safety of her liquor, her one-night stands and her career. Nothing else mattered, certainly not Sheldon Cooper.

Then she got mad at the world. She couldn't get mad at Sheldon because he wasn't in her world any longer so she became a bitch to work with once the series was picked up by the Network. She drank, brought home a veritable stable of dumb muscled men and sent them home again in the morning wondering who the hell 'Sheldon' was.

Her agent took her aside and explained the facts of Hollywood life to her: 'Penny Queen, you are not unique. You are not irreplaceable. You are, however, becoming a nightmare to work with. Quit drinking, get therapy, and get your head out of your ass before you fall down the rabbit hole. I don't know what your problem is, but fix it fast or you'll be back at the Cheesecake Factory before you know it."

She'd gotten into therapy and in one session in particular her therapist had asked her to list all her 'best friends' she'd had in her adult life.

She started to cry and then sob hysterically. She'd only had one 'best friend' and she'd cut him out of her life without even considering just how much they'd come to depend on one another or what it would do to him. She'd called him 'selfish' but he was only trying to preserve his world. She was the selfish one. She never considered anything or anyone but herself.

She'd blurted out the whole sordid tale and the therapist sat and listened, made notes, and then said, "I'm going to ask you to do something for yourself, Ms. Queen. Go tell him what you just told me. It will help you both heal and, who knows, maybe 'best friends' is just the beginning. Just remember, he lives in a world of perceived and very real dangers. Be careful with him. He's only a man, after all."

_'He didn't give me a chance to even tell him what I went there to do. He just cut me off after 'forgiving' me for something he said I wasn't responsible for. Damn him! He doesn't get to choose who I love. That little head shrinker better watch out. I'm about to open up a can of Nebraska whoop ass on her scrawny little body.'_

* * *

Sheldon sat at his desk staring across his small office at the damned white board. It wasn't the white board he was staring at. No. It was the formulae written in his precise scrawl that had his attention, just as it had the last 6 hours and 17 minutes. His lunch sat on the corner of his desk, precisely situated and his lemonade sat untouched as well, although on a coaster. The idea of a ring made by water condensed on the outer layer of the Styrofoam cup was unthinkable.

He was almost there. He could feel the answer lying doggo, just beyond the reach of his grasp. His university landline rang and he glared at it for its interruption and snatched up the handset.

"What is it?" His tone of voice was not friendly inasmuch as the damned thing had interrupted his pursuit of the last tiny fragment of his formulae.

"This is Penny Queen. Yes, I know I'm interrupting some terribly important moment in your day but I also have many interruptions and have learned to live with them."

"I prefer to live without them. What do you want, Penny?"

"Success, fame, fortune, an appointment with a certain physicist in order to discuss things he rudely dismissed as unimportant when last we spoke. And I would prefer privacy, so I would appreciate it if you would send your Dr. Dunn out to shrink some heads elsewhere while we spoke."

"I have no idea where Moira is. The last time I spoke with her was shortly after I spoke with you. She was kind enough to give me a lift home since my driver was indisposed. What day and time did you have in mind?" He pulled up his personal online DayTimer and looked over his schedule. "How about tomorrow night at seven?"

"I'll be out of town until Thursday. Since it's Anything Can Happen Thursday, let's say 7pm?"

"I no longer abide by such nonsensical conventions. Seven is fine. How long will you require to discuss what I so 'rudely dismissed'?"

Penny bit the heel of her thumb to keep from telling him 'never mind' and instead said, "That depends entirely on your need to defend your position or how quickly you agree with mine. See ya Thursday, Moon Pie." She held the phone for just a second wanting so badly to hear his 'Only my Meemaw' phrase but only heard the 'click' of him disconnecting the call.

'_Oh, Sheldon, what's become of you?'_

She reran the conversation over in her mind and then said, out loud and in a disbelieving voice, "My driver was _indisposed_?"

* * *

At precisely 7:25am a late model Lexus with limousine tint windows pulled up to the curb in front of Sheldon's house. The driver drummed her fingers on the wheel of her Daddy's car and hummed along with some bubblegum song on the radio. At 7:29 she turned off the radio and watched as Sheldon Cooper's long strides carried him from the house to the car. He got in, situated himself in the backseat and the car pulled away.

When she first saw the notice on the 'Workers Wanted' bulletin board she blew it off. The requirements were a bit too stringent for her and besides, everyone knew that Dr. Troglodyte was batcrap crazy. However, grad students never have enough money so she talked with her father and then scheduled an interview via email with the mad physics researcher.

She'd heard all the tales about Dr. Sheldon Cooper and dismissed them as 'exaggerations of lesser minds' but when she received a response scheduling a 'meeting via Skype' and his Skype address, she wondered if maybe some of them might be true.

Still, $500 a month to pick him up and drive him to work and back and to drive him to and from various locations and events were simple requirements. Her Daddy was happy to 'lend' her one of his older 'limousines' so here she was, driving the Nutty Professor to and fro but finding the rare conversations fascinating.

Natalie Long, 28 and a PhD candidate in Theoretical Mathematics, said, "Good Morning, Dr. Cooper," waited until he had his seatbelt fastened and then pulled out into traffic, unaware that she was being 'tailed'.

Next: Irresistible Force Meets the Immovable Object


	8. The Thick Plottens

_If one were to walk through the house of one Dr. Sheldon Cooper, several things would immediately strike the average person as 'odd'._

_Every surface, every bit of furniture, even the appliances were all pristine white._

_Nowhere was there anything personal other than a top model computer and a rather impressive bank of offline storage media. There were no pictures, photographs, nothing that would say 'I live here'. Most startling, considering his massive ego, is the absence of an 'I love me' wall containing presentation photos, medals, awards, certificates or plaques._

_His bedroom was immaculate. His closet would have made a Marine DI weep in envy – every shirt was starched and pressed and the left sleeve of each was exposed, razor sharp crease breaking the stiff fabric. His many suits were arrayed based on color from darkest to lightest, every dress show was polished to perfection. _

_The only thing that spoiled the closet was a worn pair of sneakers and an equally worn and scuffed pair of Resistol cowboy boots the were haphazardly thrown in the bottom corner. Immediately above them were several pairs of work-worn jeans. One pair of cotton work gloves and another of worn leather were tossed onto the footwear as an afterthought._

_And finally, if the observer were keen and paid attention to detail, he or she would be unable to find a single mirror in the entire bungalow._

* * *

Sheldon walked into the 'closed' barbershop and took a seat in the usual spot. Anthony DiNatale ambled out from behind a curtain and greeted him with a cup of peppermint tea and went about his business in silence.

Sheldon carefully sipped the hot brew and sighed. It was a perfect way to begin the workday – a cup of tea, brewed as he liked it, and a close shave by a man who loved his work and made allowances for his favorite customers.

"A barber from another town?"

"Nope," answered Sheldon. It was a ritual. Upon first meeting Mr. DiNatale, Sheldon has posited a riddle as was his way of breaking ice.

_"There is an isolated village in the Italian Alps. No one has a beard. The barber shaves everyone everyday. No one shaves themselves. The barber is clean-shaven. Who shaves the barber?"_

He never repeated the riddle and only allowed one guess each day. It was a comfortable ritual that allowed his sharp mind to wander.

"All done, Doctor." He rubbed his cheeks and smiled at the barber who, by now, considered Sheldon almost as a friend. Sheldon paid him monthly with a good tip. "Here is your tie and I look forward to seeing you again. Your accursed riddle is always at the back of my mind. When I solve it, you shall shave me!"

It was a non-optional qualifier for the bet. Sheldon smiled and nodded in agreement, certain he would never have to shave the barber. After all, the barber in his riddle was a woman.

He closed his eyes and tied a perfect Windsor knot and put on his black pinstriped suit coat. He shrugged his shoulders to properly seat it and then waved and strolled out of the shop to his waiting car.

* * *

Natalie Long waited until Sheldon was comfortably situated and when she heard the 'click' of his seatbelt, she once again pulled into traffic and headed for the University. She glanced back once or twice at her passenger and allowed a slight smile. The aftershave that DiNatale used reminded her of her grandfather and she felt a warmth for the lanky physicist because of that reminder.

She didn't notice when her tail pulled in behind her and the driver photographed the building and made note of the time of arrival and departure and then gunned the engine and pulled out into traffic, changing lanes with wild abandon and finally pulling in 3 cars behind her target.

Natalie pulled into Sheldon's reserved faculty parking slip and announced their arrival. "Well, Doc, we cheated death again!" The first time she'd uttered the phrase had been in exasperated relief at not having her boss complaining about her driving habits. Since then, he'd merely smiled and thanked her for the ride and walked quickly to his office and Natalie would walk to hers or depart for parts unknown if she had no scheduled classes. She would be back in the slip at precisely 4:50 for the drive home.

As she backed out, she noticed the car that she swore she'd seen in the rear view mirror since leaving the Doc's house. It was stopped and she swore the driver was taking a photograph. Impetuously, she jumped from the car and walked up beside the driver's door and made the motion to roll down the window.

"Who are you and why are you following Dr. Cooper?" Her tone was laced with menace. When she saw the driver was Penny Queen, easily recognizable despite the large sunglasses and ponytail she was bumfuzzled.

"He's my – best friend in the whole world and I'm worried about him. Does that answer your question? He's changed, lost his spark, his center, and I'm going to figure out how to fix him and then – I don't know what I'll do then. I just want my best friend back, okay?"

"Okay. Follow me. Have you eaten breakfast yet?"

"Huh? Oh, no. Look I have to – "

"You won't be able to crack that nut alone. You need help. Sometimes I see something in his eyes that makes me want to cuddle up and hold him until it's gone. He reminds me of my Grand Pa before we lost him to Alzheimer's. He's, I don't know, lost?"

"I'll follow you."

* * *

Natalie used a piece of toast to break the yolk of her egg and then looked at Penny and said, "Spill. What's with you and the Doc. And don't tell me 'nothing' because a celebrity doesn't follow a physicist around for shits and giggles."

"I broke him. I'm the one who made him like this and I'm the one who's gonna fix him. He was my best friend and I was careless with him and now I want to get him back, just the way he was. He needs me in his life again and I'm going to wheedle a way back in there."

"What's your plan?" Natalie was intrigued by what Penny had said. She'd heard all the wild tales, seen the video and laughed right along with the others until she actually met Sheldon and could see his pain. He was no longer someone to be laughed at.

"Ummm, well, I figured that I'd follow him for a few days and establish a routine and then – "

"Girl, you just established his routine. I pick him up every weekday morning and drive him to a barbershop where he gets a shave and then to CalTech. We leave precisely at 4:50 for the drive home. That's the daily routine. I drop off his dry cleaning and pick it up unless Daddy needs an extra driver and then he takes a cab."

"Daddy? Extra driver?" _She was kind enough to give me a lift home since my driver was indisposed._

"Yeah. Daddy owns the largest Limo service in Los Angeles and sometimes he needs an extra driver and I fill in. Okay, you've established his routine. What next?"

"I don't know. I just want to find a way to be part of his life again. I – "

"Life?" Natalie snorted. "He doesn't have anything but his work, Penny. Nothing. Even been in his house? It's pristine white, everything. I helped him carry in groceries once and it was like a sterile lab. No color, no pictures on the wall, no memorabilia, just blindingly bright white walls, furniture, fixtures, everything."

"What do you think that means?" She wasn't really surprised at the color, or lack of it. He never really got involved in his environment unless it distracted him.

"I don't know. I'm surprised the suits he wears every day aren't white too. The man does have excellent taste in suits though. Expensive tastes. I only saw him once out of 'uniform' and that was when he was trimming the hedges around his place. Meticulously trimming, I might add."

"I have an 'appointment' with him Thursday evening. I suppose I could ask for the grand tour and see if anything catches my eye. He used to be so into super heroes and scifi movies, that kind of stuff."

"I don't think he even has a television but the idea of a tour is good. What's your meeting about? Friends don't have meetings or appointments, Penny. I think you need to call it something else, if only in your own mind."

"We used to hang out, play Halo, have pizza and Thai nights. I don't think he even eats lunch with his old friends. He moved out shortly after he got out of the hospital – "

"Yeah, heard about that. Do you really think he was trying to kill himself? Rumor mill went wild for a while about how he'd freaked out and went postal. Everyone was surprised when he came back to work. And a little scared, but he keeps to himself, has lunch delivered to his new office and just works."

"He has incredible focus, Natalie. I've seen him stare at his white board for hours, unmoving, just staring and thinking."

"You didn't answer my question, Penny."

"I don't know the answer. I was there and it was the most horrible night of my life. Has he ever mentioned me or Moira?"

"On the rare occasions we talk, it's about something interesting that suddenly pops up but no. He doesn't mention anyone at all."

Penny bit her lip and tried not to imagine Sheldon constantly alone in that house. It made her angry and sad at the same time.

"He does yard work on Saturdays. Might want to add that to his schedule. I don't know what he does if it rains. He probably would invent something to make it stop."

They both laughed but then suddenly sobered up. "So, what's the plan, Penny. I'll help. I like him. I want to see him smile just once."

"I'll let you know after Thursday."

They exchanged cell numbers and then the conspirators left the small diner. Each felt better knowing their concerns were shared.

* * *

Eric Gabelhauser stood outside Sheldon's office door, waiting for the lanky physicist to make an appearance. He had the pleasant task of informing Cooper that his NSF grant had been fully funded. The only sticking point was that Sheldon had to speak at an NSF series of lectures.

When Sheldon turned the corner and saw his boss standing outside his door he pasted on the smile he'd practiced before leaving the hospital and greeted his boss warmly – for him.

"Good morning, Dr. Gabelhauser. How may I help you?"

Eric reached into the breast pocket of his suit coat and handed Sheldon an envelope. "Your NSF grant has been fully funded with the caveat that you give a lecture at one of their meetings explaining your theory and answering questions. Congratulations."

Fear covered Sheldon's features for a brief moment but Eric was well versed in reading Cooper's expressions by now and felt a pang of pity for the younger man.

Sheldon remembered his SAD exercises and again smiled briefly. "Of course. Do you know the schedule yet?"

Surprised, Gabelbauser replied, "No, but I'll inform you the instant I do know. Will you, I mean, can you – "

"I not only can, but I will give the lecture and answer whatever questions the participants may have. The entire concept of Chaos Matter is still tenuous and the equations supporting it have been submitted for peer review before I publish anything. I'll simply paraphrase the article and I'm sure that should be sufficient. Is there anything else, Eric?"

He glanced at his watch and started to grow impatient. He should be in his office now, not standing in the corridor wasting his time.

The use of his first name surprised Gabelhauser but he let it slide. It wasn't lack of respect, it was Cooper's way of saying 'Go away. I have things to do and you're wrecking my schedule'.

"No. Congratulations again. I'll email you with the dates."

Sheldon walked into his office and promptly threw up his breakfast in the plastic liner of his waste can. Despite an acceptable façade in front of his boss and comments he himself didn't believe, he was terrified of public speaking, especially after his 'breakdown'.


	9. Serenity Interrupted

_Most people who have met Sheldon Cooper believe he is 'arrogant, selfish, self-centered and narcissistic'. The way he 'talks down' to even his peers is thought to support their earlier impressions – 'What an asshole'._

_Nothing could be further from the truth. In point of fact, he is terribly shy, a product of his early years dealing with peers who were far less advanced academically, almost constant bullying, and lack of acceptance by his peers. His father constantly badgered him to 'act like ya got a pair, Shelly,' while his brother belittled every shortcoming._

_He didn't have the experiences of junior high school or high school, instead advancing from 5th grade to the college campus because of his unique intellect. A 12-year old was hardly the companion for 18-year old freshmen. He built higher and thicker walls around his fortress._

_Social situations were beyond him. He had no basis of experience and many of his responses were totally inappropriate which made others avoid him at best or ridicule him to the point where he isolated himself, further stunting his social development. He lived in a near constant state of anxiety and examination of his every action._

_His one public speaking engagement was an alcohol-abetted disaster as documented on YouTube._

Sheldon brushed his teeth and gargled with extra-strength mouthwash. He hated vomiting and his office would smell like his weakness for several hours so he decided to quell his emotional upheaval and seek out his friend's counsel. Perhaps being able to focus on a friendly face in the crowd would help him control his anxiety and not result in another humiliating experience.

His laboratory door was closed but the red light signifying an experiment in progress was out so he forced himself to knock only twice before entering.

"Hey, buddy! It's been a while. How are you? I heard you got full funding on the NSF grant. Congratulations!" Leonard was glad to see Sheldon for whatever reason he might have for visiting him. He missed his crazy roommate and so did Raj and Howard.

"Yes, that's partly why I'm here to see you. You know how I am with public speaking and the grant came with strings attached. Leonard – " He spoke rapidly and began to hyperventilate and Leonard was quick to recognize an impending panic attack. He found a lunch bag and handed it to Sheldon.

"Breathe, Sheldon. Whatever it is, we can handle it. Just sit down and breathe normally. I read your outline of the paper you sent. I was surprised and flattered that you included me in your peer review list. 'Chaos Matter' is a unique and fascinating concept although I think it's so new a concept it will take time for acceptance to mount. Feeling better now?"

Sheldon blushed deeply but nodded. "Thank you." After a long moment, "I am required to give a lecture as part of the grant and I'm – well, you know how things are…"

"How can I help? I'm not exactly a relaxed individual when I speak. Hell, I even tried hypnosis and it didn't help all that much if you remember correctly."

"Of course I remember, Leonard, being cursed with eidetic memory leaves me no choice in what I remember, none at all. In fact, it's the hallmark of my existence – I have no choices left at all."

"Sheldon, you have myriads of choices available to you each and every day. You decide what to eat, what to wear, whether or not to brush your teeth; see where I'm coming from?"

"Yes, barely. However the reason for my visit is that I was hoping for some insights in how I might best overcome my fears, not be presented with a discussion of available choices. I have no choice in the matter. I must give lectures or lose funding."

"It's too bad she's so busy or else you could ask her." Leonard flinched when he realized he'd broached a forbidden subject. He watched his friend's face for any sign of impending implosion but was relieved.

"Oh, you mean Penny Queen. Well, yes, perhaps she might be able to provide some insights. I'll ask her. She's coming over later this week to 'talk'." He used air quotes around 'talk' and made Leonard smile. He never would have used air quotes in conversation in the past.

"I'm proud of you, Sheldon. That took a lot of courage seeking her out considering – "

"She sought me out, Leonard. I haven't given her much thought of late. In fact, I've been so busy with my work that I've been too busy for much else."

* * *

Thursday came as it always did, close on the heels of Wednesday. Sheldon hadn't given it any thought, so deeply was he involved in mulling over his speech. He was startled when Natalie Long knocked on his open door and asked if he were ready to leave.

"Oh, yes, I am. I lost track of time while rewriting my presentation for the grant forum." He'd left the door open to dispel the last vestiges of what was becoming a ritual - morning illness.

Natalie smiled warmly at the 'nutty professor' and also breathed a sigh of relief. She was worried when he wasn't at his appointed place at the appointed time. In all the time she'd spent with him, he'd never been late.

Once they were safely in the limo and on the way to Sheldon's home she began her questioning. "So when is this speech you have to give? Is it a lecture or just an acceptance speech for the NSF folks/"

"I don't know when. They'll inform me via email. As for the subject matter, I'm using my article as the basis for the lecture. I have no idea how many will be in attendance and I – " He stopped and looked down at his hands. Just the thought of standing before a large and critical crowd of strangers made his hands sweat and tremble.

_What if I make a fool of myself –again? How will I answer questions even I don't know the answers to yet? What if they laugh? Boo? Get up and just walk out rather than waste their time on something as esoteric as the Chaos Particle?_

"Dr. Cooper? Dr. Cooper? We're here." Natalie had been watching her boss' face in the mirror the entire drive back and had seen the near-panic in his eyes.

_Public speaking! He's terrified of speaking in public! I wonder if Penny can help?_

She thumbed a text to Penny that read _'S has 2 speak w/ some bigwigs. Terrified. Can U help?'_ Without waiting for a reply she was out of the car and holding open Sheldon's door, something she'd never done before.

She saw his pale face and noted his labored breathing and wondered if he was asthmatic. "Dr. Cooper, do you have something that will help you breathe easier?" She helped him walk up to his door and then took the keys from his shaking hand and opened it. The foyer was all white, the floor a poured cultured marble of pristine whiteness broken only by the glaring inconsistency of a small patch of carpet. Sheldon kicked off his shoes and padded into his kitchen and began breathing into a paper bag.

_Oh! A panic attack. Is his fear of public speaking so strong that he hyperventilates? Penny, you sure got your work cut out for you!_

After a few moments of breathing, Sheldon said, "Thank you for your assistance. That will be all. I'll see you in the morning."

She knew a dismissal when she heard one and turned on her heel and left the sparkling white purity that was his home. In her haste to leave, she neglected to lock the door.

* * *

Sheldon looked at the clock on the wall and cursed. He was behind schedule and Penny would be here shortly unless she called to cancel at the last minute. He entered his bedroom, carefully took care of his dirty linens, emptied his pockets and arranged the various coins in order of decreasing denomination on his dresser top then dressed in his CBT apparel: a set of scrubs he's taken from the hospital.

Barefooted, he padded into his spare room and closed the door behind him. He turned on a timer and stood in the center of the room and closed his eyes for a moment to gather his thoughts and then the lights in the windowless room went out and a piece by Bach began to play softly from his iPod dock.

He opened his eyes to darkness and began his mental exercises designed to help him overcome selected phobias. The walls and ceiling suddenly exploded in colorful fractals that were produced by thousands of tiny LEDs imbedded in the plaster. The fractals constantly changed at random as the music played on.

Sheldon Cooper smiled as no one but his Meemaw had ever seen him smile. He was one with the universe and his smile could only be described as – serene. His mind worked through the images and found comfort just as the therapist who designed the computer program had promised.

* * *

Penny Queen was early but only because her personal assistant had scheduled her for an appearance in New York at a charity event and dinner the following day. She was booked out of LAX on the red eye and wanted to spend as much time with Sheldon as possible. They had a lot to talk about and she'd leave directly for the airport from his home.

She walked up the sidewalk and stood at the door, suddenly uncertain of just 'why' she was there. After several unanswered rings, she tried the door and it opened easily so she walked into the foyer and gasped.

_Everything is so white! It's almost painfully bright with the lighting arrayed as it is. I'm gonna need sunglasses if I have to spend much time here._

She heard the soft strains of classical music and called his name. She walked through the living room, and was relieved that the lighting wasn't as bright as in the foyer. She looked over the kitchen and smiled, imagining him preparing breakfast or eating take out at the island bar.

"Shelllllllllllllllllllldon?" she called out. She followed the music and opened the door without knocking. One look was all it took for her to realize she was seeing something magical at work. The multi-colored images seemed to move and change as the music progressed but it was the look on Sheldon's face that made her almost break into tears.

_I've never seen him really smile before. It's like he's finally sloughed off all those layers of whackiness and is a real person. He has such a beautiful smile and –_

"Penny? What are you doing here? This – this is my therapy session and you've interrupted me just as I was reaching my goal. Please wait for me in the living room. Help yourself to whatever you want from the refrigerator. I'll be done here in 4 minutes and then you can explain how you come to find yourself here 78 minutes before our appointed time."

Gone was the smile that almost brought her to tears, replaced by thin lips and a stern visage that reminded her of her elementary school principal when he was on a tear.

"Sorry, I knocked and the door was open and I followed the music – " She didn't want to leave. She wanted to stand beside him, hold his hand, and let whatever was happening to him in the room happen to her, too. It was, as she said, magical.

"Three minutes. Then you can explain." Dismissing her, he tried to recapture his sense of center but it was too late. "Oh, never mind. I'd have to start over and I don't have the time."

He motioned for her to leave and he followed along behind her, uncaring that he was wearing scrubs and no shoes or socks. This was his special time and now he would have to begin the series all over again after she had her say and left him in peace.

He'd learned to exist in a universe without her as his center and he would continue to exist long after she'd gone again.

"Sheldon, I – " All her carefully crafted plans fell away. Suddenly she was the insecure little girl who wanted to be like Barbie and not a second baseman. She wanted her Prince Charming and by the Saints, she would have him.

"It's been nearly six months since I left you. Much has happened, not all of it good. In the hospital when – "

"Penny, if you came here, early, I might add, to once again ask for forgiveness when there was no wrong on your part, then it was a totally unnecessary trip. As I told – "

"No! No, you don't get to ignore how I felt, how I feel, about – "

"Piffle! Feelings. You were the center of my Universe but then you were gone. All that was structure became Chaos. Feelings? Did you never consider anyone's but your own? I tried so many different ways to ask you to stay, to entice, to bribe you, but then you ceased being Chaos. You became logical and used my own mind against me to ensure a guilt-free departure for yourself."

"Sheldon, are you trying to say that you needed me as more than a social advisor, a free ride to the comic book store or the train store, as more than a friend, as someone you – "

She took a deep breath and then looked into those cobalt blue eyes that had first attracted her and whispered, "Sheldon, do you love me?"


End file.
